- Balancing Poker & Your Significant Other -

Jacob Ingalls - 2007
w/Christal Ashley

If you have been a frequent of any poker forum for any amount of time you have undoubtedly seen a post that has to deal with girlfriends or wives. Poker, no matter who you are takes time, usually a lot of time and this can be extremely stressful on our significant others. While I am currently single I have dated plenty during my poker career and I have come up with a few suggestions for those who are struggling with this all important dilemma. Before we get into how to reduce this problem lets remind ourselves of why on earth we have girlfriends or boyfriends and why they might get pissed if we spend a lot of time away from them.

Reminder #1: At some point you decided that this person is more important than anyone else and it was worth not dating anyone else so that you could be with this person.

Reminder #2: Your significant other also gave up everyone else to be with you. No wonder they get pissed when you spend 40 hours a week working, 20 hours a week playing poker, 15 a week reading about poker, and talking about poker with your buddies at your kid’s little league games, and sleeping till 2pm on Saturday because you had an all night session. Yeah I think I would be pissed too.

Reminder #3: In referring specifically to girlfriends, but (and saying this will probably piss off a lot of girls too, but I really don’t care) they need us. In general our girls need us, they need time with us, we can do a lot of damage to them by not sending that time with them. According to Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, the authors of “For Men Only” ”For most women all the money and things aren’t nearly the priority that you are.” If we choose to spend time doing a lot of other things we can greatly damage our girl’s emotions because often if they see us putting in so much time and effort into something else and they aren’t getting some of that effort too, they will feel like they aren’t good enough.

Reminder #4: There is a really good chance that they just don’t understand. It can be hard to explain to someone who doesn’t play poker just how bad someone played, when they have absolutely no idea that a flush beats a straight. Your significant other may not care enough to know and could careless if they ever know, and this you’ll just have to understand.

Now that we have reviewed some of the reasons why our significant other might just be a little bit pissed over your recent addiction that isn’t trying to get them in bed, let’s look at some of the ways that we can reach a point to where our loved ones and poker can both live in relative peace and comfort.

Tip #1: Communicate
Very often our significant other just simply won’t understand what we are crying about or why we are coming home pissed after our weekly tournament. For girls especially, it is important that you go home and talk to them about your game. It is very easy to not want to talk to your girlfriend because she doesn’t understand, but she wants to know, I promise. Our girlfriends/wives want to be involved in our lives and since we are not spending that time with them we should at least tell them how things went, in detail, don’t blow your girlfriend or wife off just because you’re pissed. If you continually do this you’ll be sleeping on the couch and not getting what you want after a bad beat.

Tip #2: Educate:
If your partner doesn’t understand, educate them. Try giving them a good beginner’s book so that they can on at least some level understand what you are talking about when you say “This huge donkey was on the button.” I can almost guarantee that your partner will take the time to read the book you give them so that they can understand this game that you love so much and that takes so much time from them. Just like with our jobs very often our partner wants to hear about our day even if they don’t understand anything about it, they just want to feel connected to us.

Tip #3: Play with them
Ask your partner if they want to go play with you sometime, even if they say no, this will show them that you are willing to share your obsession with them, and if they do say yes, be sure you have enough in your bankroll to cover them. If they do go play with you don’t treat them bad or alienate them among your friends; they’re going to make some bad plays, but keep in mind how bad you sucked when you first started playing. After a while you’d be surprised how much they are wanting to play with you, I dated a girl once who I tried very hard to keep involved in my poker playing and after a while she would ask me to bring my chips over so we could play some heads-up for fun.

Tip #4: Time & Attention
If your partner feels as though you aren’t spending enough time with them, they’re probably right. Our significant other has no doubt noticed how much time, attention and effort that you are putting towards poker. It is hard not too, they have seen the final table of the WSOP 19 times and have seen the number of books you have bought on the credit card, and a lot of times they just want some of that same kind of intensity directed towards them. Show your partner that you can spend as much time on them that you spend on your poker. Pick up their tells (girls are huge tell boxes) and do something about them. Be sure to still pursue your significant other, you put in a lot of effort to get them now keep up the effort to keep them. Plan nights to take them out and to make them feel special and make sure poker comes no where near that night. Be random, get them flowers, and make them feel special. Make sure you give a lot of time to your partner because in the long run no matter how much money you win, it will never replace the time you spent on something else besides them.

And if you don’t believe me, I managed to talk Christal into putting in her 2 cents on the subject

Christal’s Tips

1. I highly suggest taking them along with you to a game that is safe and that you don't care if you lose at. It shows them the type of people you hang with when playing. It lets them see just how it all operates. And if you play your best poker ever and cash out with $600 while they are there, you just won yourself a ticket to poker heaven!

2. Have a separate budget for poker. And stick to it. Set up your bankroll and only use that money. I find that one of the top two reasons problems develop is money. And, this is something we all should be doing, keep records of your cash outs. That way you can be accountable for wins or losses.

3. In relation to #2: Have a goal that once you reach it, you buy something you both want. A new DVD player, a new set of dishes, whatever you or your household could use at that point in time. I firmly believe that you should have something to show for your winnings. And it shows your partner that good things can come from poker, something is tangible.

4. The other top 2 problem: time management. Make sure your significant other is ok with the amount of time you spend playing. If you are out every night for 8 hours and make little time for them, issues will arise. Set up a "poker schedule", find the games in town that you do well with and make a schedule for them and review it with your partner. Make sure they will be ok with the amount of time you spend away from them and the house.

5. And this is the simplest one: Just keep an open line of communication. All you really need to do is make sureyou are open and honest about playing.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. – Jacob Ingalls

http://www.myspace.com/jacobingalls

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